Seesaw Mood

My mood changes much too easily for my liking. I know I don't seem terribly emotional to most people, or at least I don't often project an enthusiastic appearance, but still.

Or at least, that was what I was thinking on the bus just now on the way back from the Bible study I attend weekly after church; today I happened to stay a bit later than usual and so by the time I got back the canteen was almost closed (fortunately I still managed to get dinner) but the minimart was closed and so I have no breakfast provisions for tomorrow. I'm sure I'll survive, of course, though my supervisor may not be best pleased if I am completely enervated.

It probably doesn't help that I was terribly tired yesterday and I should sleep soon or I'll be terribly tired tomorrow. Take that as cause for randomness. On the other hand, when I'm tired I lose most of my selfcontrol and so this post may deviate considerably from my regular behavioural style. But then when I'm typing stuff I tend to consider stuff that I don't usually consider anyway.

I went yesterday to an animal shelter with the rest of the Animal Lovers' Society, where I recently became a Main Committee member (my post is External Liaison). It was fun, but tiring; dogs are wondrous things, and I like the crazy hyperaffectionate nature most of them seem to have. It was also yesterday that I encountered the first dog I've ever met that actually fetches things and returns them to you to throw; it was most enjoyable, even if the thrown things became gradually more and more slippery with layers of slobber. I'd go there more often if it were more accessible.

...I don't have very healthy levels of self-esteem, I think. I know I declare that I am awesome a great deal, but really, I don't think I am. I don't know why I was suddenly on this train of thought, but it just occurred to me just now on the bus, along with the opinion that I am much too moody. Maybe it's the fact that if I were asked to, I couldn't possibly tell you what advantage I might be able to offer you as compared to any other human being. I could rattle off a long list of disadvantages, though, which means I'm at least honest to a fault when it comes to these things. I'm not sure if that's an advantage, because employers these days seem to want people who're able to rattle off a long list of accomplishments and abilities, and I just can't think of any possible traits of mine that would be advantageous to most companies.

I suppose now is as good a time as any to begin acquiring those skills and traits, but I'm just insanely weak. Look at all the plans I had and what came of them, after all. I'm a person who wants a lot and gave up a long time ago, I think; or else I'm deferring the getting of those things to some future undefined time. It's possible that my constant state of instability (I always have a hard time filling in the In Case of Emergency Contact field on forms) contributes to that, or that being surrounded by people who achieve much, I'm used to being outshone and haven't tried to shine in ages and ages. I don't know if I'm making much sense to anybody but myself now, but sometimes it's as if the more I like the people around me, the less I like myself; the traits I admire most in other people, I admire because I lack. And if anybody else has ever envied me any trait I possess that they don't, I certainly haven't any idea of it. Probably because I don't have any enviable traits, apart from my grammar, and even that isn't anything I worked hard to get. Envying my grammar would be rather like envying a silver ring for its shininess. It's possible that this was brought on partly by my MSN chats with one of my coursemates (I forget the name I called him previously and haven't the energy to sift through all my posts for it) who is an insanely overachieving person and volunteers on weekends at homes for children from dysfunctional children and enjoys it, or this afternoon when I found out that not only does the host of the Bible study group play the piano and sing in perfect pitch four-part harmony and know great scads of math, but he also was a Boy Scout and still can play the bugle and trombone, both of which he has lying around in the house. And of course he's the Bible study group host which means he probably has forgotten more theology than I've ever learned.

I know I'm rambling, and ought to sleep; I'll do that, after I shower. I'll probably be better in the morning.

...I just noticed that my Biorhythms tool on the Google Desktop sidebar indicates that my Emotional--level? rate? amount? strength? I have no idea--is very near the minimum. Maybe it's due to that, too.

I have two scratches on my right index finger, near the junction between it and the thumb, that came from a dog's claws yesterday, because I was scratching its belly and the twitching leg was striking against my hand. I certainly didn't notice those scratches until somebody else pointed them out to me. I think I may be somewhat lacking in the sense of touch, or at least the sense of pain. Aren't the hands supposed to be sensitive?