Emotion Introspection
The SPM results are coming out next week. Considering the minuscule amount of work I put into it, I have hardly any reason to expect the straight A's that I was given for my forecast by my teachers--just look at the amount of posts that I put up during the exam!
However, even if I had spent most of my time then studying, I would still be worried about the results, mostly because of the question of my further studies, which I shall have to face very, very soon; my mother has already looked up every possible scholarship she can think of and made me apply for it, as well as telling (read: commanding) me to apply for as many local colleges as possible. Well, it's much cheaper to study here than overseas, anyway.
But the main reason I'm posting here is to banish my present mood to oblivion. I just had an argument with my brother (the one in Form 3) over the sofa. It's amazing how the most unimportant things take on incredible proportions in the heat of anger.
Like the fact that we were beating up each other because I thought he was taking up more than his fair share of the sofa's cushion space. We're about the same size, so it was kind of even from that point of view; but he plays sports, and I don't, so he's definitely fitter, so that tipped the scales in his favour. On the other hand, I've experience with giving pain, so...anyway, we came off pretty much the same. I gave him a few scratches, and he gave me a few in return. I think he's studying in our room now with the door locked to give me another chance to blow up.
Also, I just read a book that purports to be about teenagers and their inmost thoughts. Apparently most teens' inmost thoughts inculde mood swings that make them do extremely stupid things, which just goes to show how idiotic feelings can be.
That explains my mood quite well, I think. I don't know what I feel most of the time, apart from fury. In fact I took a test some time ago, and it told me that my strongest emotion is anger, which doesn't bode well for my EQ score.
Warning: Serious introspection coming up. Those who cannot handle irrationality are advised to stop reading here.
Emotion, as far I as see it, is more often a hindrance than a help. Unsurprising, since I am classified in the MBTI tests as a Thinker; I discount feelings and prefer facts. At least facts, as such, are very seldom biased; only the methods of obtaining them may be. That's the rationale behind 'the truth, the WHOLE truth...'.
And as such, it appears to me at the present moment that I have been suppressing most of my feelings for a very long time indeed, in fact to the point that when I do let them out, they often come out in exaggerated forms; I conjecture that my right brain is wishing to make up for lost time. A prime example of this is when I went through euphoria at the news that the Pig had scored less on his English oral test than I had; I'll leave the deeper interpretations to the experts out there.
Or maybe I'm just fooling myself here; I have certainly been quite emotional at times--in school, no less! Some of my more mortifying experiences have included crying in the class--in public--after attacking a classmate rather viciously. I don't know why I cried--it should have been he, after all--but I did. Probably my irritation or hurt feelings rushing out at the moment of relief. I have managed to bring that part of me under control, however; when I caused the Pig to bleed last year, I managed to smile as usual--not that I was feeling like crying, but I was slightly (who am I kidding? I was VERY) irritated at the outpouring of sympathy for him from the class. I find myself smiling to hide less pleasant emotions quite often, or using a poker face. I think I use the poker face rather more frequently.
Of course, I do know that I've hidden some of my softer sides very efficiently indeed. I have had but three crushes, and very mnild ones they were too, during the five years I spent in school. And even then neither the objects nor the people closest to me knew, unless I told them. And when they leaked it out, nobody believed them, even though they were being perfectly honest; either because my poker face was by that time so developed that I betrayed no sign, or because the object protested that they had had no idea of it.
And quite simply, I made very sure indeed that they had no sign of it, unless you count appearing to be completely at ease around them and otherwise appearing to be ignoring their existence a sign of infatuation.
And my temperament keeps me from the dangers of overflowing emotion, certainly; I dislike, even detest, tears that never stop flowing, extremes of enthusiasm for every little thing, and undirected anger towards the world at large. Which means that I have repressed every sign of such things in myself, and try to repress them in others when possible; I once knew a guy who was all three. I got rid of his company as soon as I thought was humanly decent; after all, I didn't want to cause his cup of sorrows to overflow yet again.
And as for mood swings! Do I have any? I have no idea, I'll have to rely on my commentators to tell me that. As far as I can tell, my mood swings between 'relatively normal' and 'unpredictably weird'. Or something close to that.
So I suppose I now appear to be a very strange person indeed. After all, what sane person wants to know what they feel, instead of just feeling it and going with the flow of emotion? And what sane teen out there goes through five years of school with only three crushes...and never tells a single one of them? And what sane person out there could possibly cry when having beaten up an enemy?
And I haven't even gotten started on my love/hate relationships. It seems that nearly every relationship I have that I treasure is marked by a series of arguments, mutual irritations, and somehow, through it all, the tie exists. Like with the Pig...it was not three weeks after I met him that I tried to throttle him, and yet we're still fine with each other. Or my best friend for the fifth and sixth grades...I met him halfway through the year, was immediately established as the main target of all his practical jokes, lost my temper with him at least seven times, and was best friends with him four months later. And Wolf...but we haven't had any major arguments yet--not that I want to.
It's just that I find that you learn most about people when they are angry. That's when the mouth runs loose, you see, and you gain a whole lot of information about how they think. In which case I have accidentally divulged a tonne of personal information to my class. But on the other hand, when I get angry my hand goes to work, not my mouth. So I'm safe there, at least. I think.
So anyway, I concluded a long time ago that emotions are of little or no inherent value to me. They come and go, but it's utter folly to make any decisions based on them alone. The good old little gray cells always win in the end; I have yet to see a person who attributes his success to always following his heart.
Stupid movies, and stupider messages. On and on, that drivel about following one's heart and trusting one's feelings. If it feels good, do it. And so on. Idiotic, all of it; if everybody did that--heck, if I did that--I'd be a serial killer by now.
But then it appears that emotions are of some use to people; health benefits, for example, and the ever-popular love, love, glorious love. It would be interesting, certainly, if I were ever to fall deeply in love, as the popular phrase has it.
I would personally prefer 'get into trouble'. That is a quite concise statement of my feelings on feelings: Feelings are trouble and are too easily mainpulated by outsiders, therefore they are to be distrusted at all times and avoided when possible, except when they may be of use, for example, when cultivating anger helps one to better deal with annoyances.
I suppose my problem here is that I want to know; I seek knowledge, as such. And of course, one finds that being overly dependent on one's mood affects one's quest for knowledge rather negatively. Which means that the emotion has to be discarded or disregarded. The former being impossible for the moment, the latter must be chosen.
So there you are: my personal take on emotions. Maybe I should send this to some psychological society out there and have them analyse this?
However, even if I had spent most of my time then studying, I would still be worried about the results, mostly because of the question of my further studies, which I shall have to face very, very soon; my mother has already looked up every possible scholarship she can think of and made me apply for it, as well as telling (read: commanding) me to apply for as many local colleges as possible. Well, it's much cheaper to study here than overseas, anyway.
But the main reason I'm posting here is to banish my present mood to oblivion. I just had an argument with my brother (the one in Form 3) over the sofa. It's amazing how the most unimportant things take on incredible proportions in the heat of anger.
Like the fact that we were beating up each other because I thought he was taking up more than his fair share of the sofa's cushion space. We're about the same size, so it was kind of even from that point of view; but he plays sports, and I don't, so he's definitely fitter, so that tipped the scales in his favour. On the other hand, I've experience with giving pain, so...anyway, we came off pretty much the same. I gave him a few scratches, and he gave me a few in return. I think he's studying in our room now with the door locked to give me another chance to blow up.
Also, I just read a book that purports to be about teenagers and their inmost thoughts. Apparently most teens' inmost thoughts inculde mood swings that make them do extremely stupid things, which just goes to show how idiotic feelings can be.
That explains my mood quite well, I think. I don't know what I feel most of the time, apart from fury. In fact I took a test some time ago, and it told me that my strongest emotion is anger, which doesn't bode well for my EQ score.
Warning: Serious introspection coming up. Those who cannot handle irrationality are advised to stop reading here.
Emotion, as far I as see it, is more often a hindrance than a help. Unsurprising, since I am classified in the MBTI tests as a Thinker; I discount feelings and prefer facts. At least facts, as such, are very seldom biased; only the methods of obtaining them may be. That's the rationale behind 'the truth, the WHOLE truth...'.
And as such, it appears to me at the present moment that I have been suppressing most of my feelings for a very long time indeed, in fact to the point that when I do let them out, they often come out in exaggerated forms; I conjecture that my right brain is wishing to make up for lost time. A prime example of this is when I went through euphoria at the news that the Pig had scored less on his English oral test than I had; I'll leave the deeper interpretations to the experts out there.
Or maybe I'm just fooling myself here; I have certainly been quite emotional at times--in school, no less! Some of my more mortifying experiences have included crying in the class--in public--after attacking a classmate rather viciously. I don't know why I cried--it should have been he, after all--but I did. Probably my irritation or hurt feelings rushing out at the moment of relief. I have managed to bring that part of me under control, however; when I caused the Pig to bleed last year, I managed to smile as usual--not that I was feeling like crying, but I was slightly (who am I kidding? I was VERY) irritated at the outpouring of sympathy for him from the class. I find myself smiling to hide less pleasant emotions quite often, or using a poker face. I think I use the poker face rather more frequently.
Of course, I do know that I've hidden some of my softer sides very efficiently indeed. I have had but three crushes, and very mnild ones they were too, during the five years I spent in school. And even then neither the objects nor the people closest to me knew, unless I told them. And when they leaked it out, nobody believed them, even though they were being perfectly honest; either because my poker face was by that time so developed that I betrayed no sign, or because the object protested that they had had no idea of it.
And quite simply, I made very sure indeed that they had no sign of it, unless you count appearing to be completely at ease around them and otherwise appearing to be ignoring their existence a sign of infatuation.
And my temperament keeps me from the dangers of overflowing emotion, certainly; I dislike, even detest, tears that never stop flowing, extremes of enthusiasm for every little thing, and undirected anger towards the world at large. Which means that I have repressed every sign of such things in myself, and try to repress them in others when possible; I once knew a guy who was all three. I got rid of his company as soon as I thought was humanly decent; after all, I didn't want to cause his cup of sorrows to overflow yet again.
And as for mood swings! Do I have any? I have no idea, I'll have to rely on my commentators to tell me that. As far as I can tell, my mood swings between 'relatively normal' and 'unpredictably weird'. Or something close to that.
So I suppose I now appear to be a very strange person indeed. After all, what sane person wants to know what they feel, instead of just feeling it and going with the flow of emotion? And what sane teen out there goes through five years of school with only three crushes...and never tells a single one of them? And what sane person out there could possibly cry when having beaten up an enemy?
And I haven't even gotten started on my love/hate relationships. It seems that nearly every relationship I have that I treasure is marked by a series of arguments, mutual irritations, and somehow, through it all, the tie exists. Like with the Pig...it was not three weeks after I met him that I tried to throttle him, and yet we're still fine with each other. Or my best friend for the fifth and sixth grades...I met him halfway through the year, was immediately established as the main target of all his practical jokes, lost my temper with him at least seven times, and was best friends with him four months later. And Wolf...but we haven't had any major arguments yet--not that I want to.
It's just that I find that you learn most about people when they are angry. That's when the mouth runs loose, you see, and you gain a whole lot of information about how they think. In which case I have accidentally divulged a tonne of personal information to my class. But on the other hand, when I get angry my hand goes to work, not my mouth. So I'm safe there, at least. I think.
So anyway, I concluded a long time ago that emotions are of little or no inherent value to me. They come and go, but it's utter folly to make any decisions based on them alone. The good old little gray cells always win in the end; I have yet to see a person who attributes his success to always following his heart.
Stupid movies, and stupider messages. On and on, that drivel about following one's heart and trusting one's feelings. If it feels good, do it. And so on. Idiotic, all of it; if everybody did that--heck, if I did that--I'd be a serial killer by now.
But then it appears that emotions are of some use to people; health benefits, for example, and the ever-popular love, love, glorious love. It would be interesting, certainly, if I were ever to fall deeply in love, as the popular phrase has it.
I would personally prefer 'get into trouble'. That is a quite concise statement of my feelings on feelings: Feelings are trouble and are too easily mainpulated by outsiders, therefore they are to be distrusted at all times and avoided when possible, except when they may be of use, for example, when cultivating anger helps one to better deal with annoyances.
I suppose my problem here is that I want to know; I seek knowledge, as such. And of course, one finds that being overly dependent on one's mood affects one's quest for knowledge rather negatively. Which means that the emotion has to be discarded or disregarded. The former being impossible for the moment, the latter must be chosen.
So there you are: my personal take on emotions. Maybe I should send this to some psychological society out there and have them analyse this?
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